Behind the Eight Ball.

It's been a real coupla weeks. You ever get that feeling? Like you're behind the eight ball of your life? In pool or billiards, being behind the eight ball is a losing position. Basically you can't win for losing. It's not that my life has been horrible. I had some dark days a few months back, but I have gotten through the worst of that. Yet recently, it feels like no matter where I'm going, what I'm doing, or who I'm talking to, I seem to be causing friction of some kind.

I'm changing the metaphorical lens so I can better reframe the situation to a more pleasant view and not get too down about it all. In the last post I wrote, "out with the old and in with the new", I appear to be clearing space, ridding my life of relationships that are not healthy, saying no to things I don't want to do, and setting fire to all that no longer serves me. 

Is this part of the shift that happens at this stage of growing up do you think, or am I just at a general turning point? How many of you, when you hit a certain birthday simply decided that "good enough" was no longer good enough? What woke you from the delusion that adequate was okay and suddenly made you decide that you wanted more? Perhaps it was something thrust upon you that made the ground shake beneath your feet and got you walking off in another direction?

I heard a wonderful quote from Oprah that went something like this:

"Every day brings us a chance to start over. We all have those stand down moments that require us to stop and center ourselves to clear the way for truth and transformation. Sometimes those are painful moments. Though it's hard to imagine when you lose what you thought was the perfect relationship, when the job that defined you for twenty years is gone, when the people you counted on turn their backs on you, you may actually be taking a step forward on the path to your truest desires and ultimately to your destiny."

Are those just fancy words to try and help assuage the pain of letting go or is there a grain of truth in there? It strikes a chord within me that whispers "it is truth, your destiny awaits". In spite of saying good-bye to who I thought was a terrific agent, walking away from a book contract (yeah I did), and steering myself away from conversations about merely fighting our middle-aged spread in favor of discussing things a little less tangible, I feel a sense of hope. Like there is a spark in there somewhere that's dying to ignite something bigger and better to lead me to what I truly want. You ever feel that?

Either that or I am actually a little bit totally crazy and am about to crash and burn. I'll never work again and any slim chance for happiness will be gone forever.

 
Oh darling, the drama of this midlife. Ha ha ha.

While the eight ball currently before me does feel life-sized, perhaps I'll overcome some of these perceived obstacles and this will make a fantastic success story. I once read that -- the obstacle is the way. Interesting, no?

In spite of everything looking like it's crumbling down around me, why do I feel this tiny spark of excited expectation? Crap, maybe this is the first sign of actual madness.

In the movies when a character finds him or herself in a moment when "all is lost", they have to dig deep and dip into the well of courage and strength and do something they had not been capable of doing before the movie started, and it's this action, this untapped power that leads them to victory. They say art imitates life and life imitates art. Could this be an "all is lost" moment when our former youthful selves give way to our wiser and more mature selves?

What I really want to know is, have you found yourself standing at an all is lost moment, looking up and down the crossroads of your life, feeling like everything really has turned to shit... yet somehow, rooted deep inside of you, you felt a twinge of eager anticipation? Like the next steps, although scary, might be okay and might ultimately change the course of your life?

I certainly hope so. Seems I have more questions than answers these days but sometimes that's okay. If we never ask the questions, how can the answers come, right?

xo
Shan