Deeply conflicted. On the surface, what's vexing me may seem like a shallow topic; hair color... I mean with everything that's going on in our world today, who cares about hair color? We watch the news. There are forest fires raging, mass shootings, global warming, Harvey Weinstein accusers being accused themselves, and don't even get me started on factory farming and animal agriculture - ugh will there ever be good news?
Then you turn to your email inbox and find a blog post from me moaning about hair color, should you even care? If you're a woman, I think you'll wanna discuss this with me because I'm not talking about - Should I go lighter? Get highlights? Or go red? I'm talking about stepping off the color wheel altogether. There is a pretty hardcore double standard out there against women going grey.
Don't believe me? Check out this ARTICLE about Celebrities who have confessed to covering up their silver strands. First of all "confess" like it's a sin and second the tag line reads: See which stars admit to having -- and hiding -- their grays. Like it's some dirty little secret. It obviously shouldn't be, but it is.
Frankly I have so much to say on the subject that I don't even know where to begin. You might wanna pause here, go grab a coffee or make a cup of tea and settle in because gurl, we got stuff to talk about.
I come from a culture where we respect old age and wisdom, especially in women. Our grandmothers are our knowledge keepers. I can hear my dad now saying "respect your elders". In fact if I sass him, he still says it to me now and I'm a grown ass woman. Then there's my mom. My mom embraced her silver tresses in her mid-forties and she rocked it. She's gorgeous. She was never ashamed of her grey hair. So what's the problem? I should be build for this transition, no?
Well, I work in an industry where youth is worshipped and age is almost reviled. (If you're not up to speed, I write for film and television) And while I'm not in front of the camera, people still seem more interested in a young "fresh" perspective. If you seem old, they become afraid that you're out of touch, out of date or not current somehow. As if the wisdom of your years or your life experience doesn't make you a great writer. Which sort of stinks because it doesn't seem to be that way with other types of writing I don't think. Or maybe it is and I'm just not privy to it. Luckily for me, I still look pretty youthful so I get by.
Anyway - that's only really part of the discussion. Let me give you some backstory.
A year or two ago, I was cruising through Pinterest as you do when you're procrastinating instead of working, and I came across the image of a woman who I came to later learn was model Sam Gold. This is that image.
And I thought, wow. When I grow up, I want to be her.
So then I began wondering, how old is old enough? The general consensus seems to be after 50. I discussed it at length with He Who Shall Not Be Named, and he agreed, sometime after 50 it would be okay, but not really now. Now seems too soon.
I toyed with the idea some more. I reached out to my trusted and beloved stylist Natalia in Vancouver, just to see what she thought. She's an award winning competitive colorist. She took care of my hair for over seven years when I lived out west, if anyone could give me sound advice, it would be her. She said she didn't think it would be a good idea. It would be too high maintenance if I colored it silver and I am not a high-maintenance hair girl, and if I elected to grow it, it would be a long and painful transition. So the resounding answer was no.
Hmm.
I wondered, should I get a second opinion? I had found a colorist here in Toronto whom I adored. We were together for a year and a half before she moved away, but we'd stayed in touch. So I texted her and asked, should I go grey? I got a "hell no", it's not you. Okay. I sat with that.
Still not satisfied, I went to my then current stylist and had her pick through my tresses to look at the roots I'd let peek through and said, what do you think about me transitioning to grey? Again I got a no. You're too young. It will age you by more than ten years. Don't do it. She was kind of a chatty hair dresser - like it would take me hours just to get a cut so I messaged Natalia and asked for a recommendation and she suggested I try a friend of hers - also a competitive award winning colorist.
She gave me a fantastic hair cut. But I didn't dare ask her about transitioning. Not on our first meeting. I let the subject die for a while.
Now at this point, you may be thinking, of course your hairdressers are going to say don't do it, they make a living off of you, but that isn't the case. I go for cuts mostly and only ever get my hair color-corrected about once a year. The rest of the time, I box color. The reason for that? I have to color on average every two weeks. EVERY TWO WEEKS PEOPLE.
You're now seeing why I'm so curious to stop this hamster wheel of dying aren't you?
Over this past Christmas I had a hiatus from the show I was working on. He Who Shall Not Be Named, his mom and I got together at a cottage in the woods for the holidays and I decided it would be a good time to experiment. I let my hair grow for six weeks then asked them what they thought. Both my beloved and my mother-in-law said nope. Doesn't suit you. You're much too young. You have such lovely dark hair.
When we got home, I covered the roots and thought whew, yes. This looks better. Dodged a bullet there. What the hell was I thinking. I'm not ready to go grey for crying out loud.
But then several boxes of dye later, back in the cycle of coloring every two damned weeks - I got hit with vertigo. It wasn't until I found myself dizzy as fuck, on the bathroom floor, ready to barf at any second - waiting for the timer to ding so I could wash the dye out that I though - Shan, what the hell are you doing? This isn't right! Was I so vain that I could quite literally be on my death bed but I'd still drag my sorry butt to the bathroom to color my hair?
Once I got feeling better, I went back to my "new" stylist for a cut and I tried again. Hey, I'm nothing if not persistent. And guess what, noble reader? She said no. I had let my roots grow in for about three weeks so she was able to see what was going on. Her opinion was that I was again - too young - and I was much too salt-and-pepper. I wasn't white enough. What?
That was new. I had been convinced that I was like 90% grey, but I guess that's not the case. I still had quite a bit of dark hair. Right then and there in the chair, I decided out loud that I would let it grow. She laughed and said see you in a few months for a color. She told me I would hate it. It won't be what I think it is. It will be course and frizzy and like "witch hair".
Witch hair? Omg, is that what we think of when we think of grey hair? Grannies and witches?
It kind of is.
In any case, I thought maybe my stylist could be wrong. I could love it. I knew I had the upcoming summer off to work on some projects I have in development. I didn't have to go anywhere or see anyone - I could wear big floppy sunhats - it's the perfect time. Then by September in time for the Toronto International Film Festival, I could make a decision. Keep it, or color it.
Oh, if only it were that simple.
No my lovelies - it's become an obsession and I literally flip flop back and forth on a daily basis. I'm driving He Who Shall Not Be Named crazy!
When I committed to doing this the second time around, this time for real, I had a new mindset. I was "ready" or so I though. I ran through my life in my mind's eye and thought you know, in my twenties I was a riot girl. I did things randomly and spur of the moment. I ran off and joined a cruise ship to travel the world, I followed a boy to America, I lived in a yoga ashram - I was doing what you're supposed to do when you're young and wild. I was young and wild. Sorry mom.
Then in my thirties I began to try to figure out who I was. If my twenties were about seeking outward adventure, my thirties became about introspection. I continued with the ashram thing into my thirties where I met my one true love and later fully committed to who I wanted to be - I was a writer. So I set about working my ass off, nose to the grind-stone as they say - doing what you do in your thirties and making my way in the world. Now in my forties, I want to embrace them the same way. Really embody this mid-life thing. I could still be vibrant and spontaneous, but I also know more of who I am, I've had a tiny bit of success and my life is better than it has ever been.
I wanted to embrace all that 40 could offer - and grey hair seemed part of that package. It was truly grey so why not be my fully authentic self? Hell yes! I started going on YouTube and finding all these amazing women I have come to learn call themselves the #silversisters. They were like this glorious white, silver and grey sorority of every age and background you could imagine all rocking their grey. I then found this kickass chick on IG who started a page called Grombre which gave me tons of inspiration to fuel myself on the inevitable bad days.
Mostly, women talk about how liberating it is. I have three good friends who did it long before me and they all love their hair, the choice they made, the freedom in being color-free and true to who they are. They embody their inner goddesses.
I spoke to a couple of silver sisters in the dog park - both of whom encouraged me to go for it, said I'd love it and will look great once it grows in.
Of course I spoke with my mom. I asked her how she did it. How she felt about it and what she thought and she was 100% on board with my transition. All good stuff, right? So what's the problem, you ask? Why am I conflicted? Why do I so desperately need to talk to you about this and hear from you about it?
Because overwhelmingly the world still sees grey hair as old and the truth of the matter is that my last hairdresser, the stylist who's chair I made this decision to transition in was right! I kind of hate it. I don't want people to see it. I wear my hats everywhere. I feel embarrassed about it and I feel old.
Ugh, really? Maybe I can find something else for my forties to be about and this can be a fifties thing??
But on the good days, I love the light in it, how it sparkles in a way my dark hair never did. It's a much cooler tone now because my dark hair is a cool dark, near black color and I'd been coloring it all more of a warmer espresso brown for decades. But I'll be dead honest, it's at a hideous stage. I knew this day would come and I know it's going to last for well over a year or two - it will likely take three years to get it where I want it to be, but I don't know if I have the stones to see it through.
Sure, there are options. People add highlights and lowlights to blend it in, but to me that never looks good. You get a sort of bloronge color which is like a blond that goes brassy and orange. It looks fake.
But my mom made an excellent point the other day - She asked, do you really want to be a sixty-year-old lady who has fake dyed hair? No I do not, but sixty is miles away. Could I not embrace the grey in my fifties - late fifties even? Am I hitting this a decade or fifteen years too soon? But if I wait, then I will be 90% grey and won't the transition be even harder then? Especially because my skin will age too?
I'd like to look like Sam Gold when I AM fifty, not spend my fifties going through this hell of a transition.
However - There are people whom I admire greatly who swear they will never transition. People like my beloved Norma Kamali.
I actually might want to be like Norma even more than I want to be like Sam!
But I also want to be me.
So this is the conflict. I love it when I see a stylish woman rocking her grey. I love my mom's hair. But the truth is, I may not actually like it on me - yet I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. In fact, I read this quote from a twenty-something beauty who went grey -
She had this to say:
"Why don't you dye it?" My favorite question. Next comes my oversimplified answer, because two trips to the salon per month is way too expensive. If you've embraced your gray, you know that's just a sliver of the truth. The real answer is because I started graying before I was ten and wasn't that much too young to stress over aging? Because I don't want to miss how my gray hair changes over the years. Because so many women in my life want to go natural but are shamed into dying it by their spouse... or their friends... or even their mom. Because I no longer subscribe to the notion that, for women, as essential part of aging is disguising your age. Because after 10 years of dying my hair, I've come to realize that the color that looks best on me is the one growing out of my head. Because this is really me, and can't the real me be beautiful too?"
Okay, do you love this girl as much as I do!? She's hella wise beyond her years. And she looks great with grey hair BTW. She's on the @grombre site on IG.
We do get shamed for grey. People say things like "She really let herself go" or "look at that skunk line" (I happen to think skunks are a super cute animal if anyone cares but don't want to be called a skunk). Then there's the whole Cruella De Vil baddie.
I don't want to post a picture of my hair on here because I don't want the discussion to be about what I look like. Because regardless of how it looks or how it might look on me - I'd really truly love to hear your honest thoughts and opinions on transitioning to grey hair in general. Nay, I NEED to hear your thoughts.
Do you feel boxed in, and forced to color? Do you just like the way your colored hair feels after it's colored? Have you let your hair grow out and love it? Hate it? Have you ditched the dye or are you dye-hard.
Please have this discussion with me by commenting below.
Thanks loves,
Shan
Let it go grey. I am doing the same thing and am only a couple of months in. The dyed color always looks too red. What's the worst that can happen? You can dye it again. I figure I have had every color of hair in my life, except grey. Stop caring what other people think. It's the best part about getting older. Try getting about 4-6 inches cut off your hair. It will make the process go by faster. Look up on the internet about dye removal. I have tried the baking soda and head and shoulders shampoo and it does lessen the new dye line and make it seem like it's blended. It works more on the freshly dyed part than the ends.
ReplyDeleteHey Marie,
DeleteThank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this process. I know I will eventually need to cut my hair a little bit, but I want to be sure I am going to commit to this process first before I do that. I believe that Norma has thought about going grey for years but because the fashion industry is even more youth oriented than film, she feels like it would be a bad move career wise.
That makes me sad, but I also really understand it.
What I have been doing, rather than adding in dark color in streaks, I have used the L'Oreal root touch up in the past so assume it's similar to Clairol, is I have picked up a silver hair spray paint thing and have been extending the silver through the lenth to kind of get a feel for it.
You know, sort of test drive it. Walk around in it a bit to see if it feels like me.
I honestly just don't know, though. Don't know if I even like it.
Can I ask what made you choose to ditch the dye? Like why now? How did you know now was the right time for you? Did something shift? Or did you always know you'd let your grey come through eventually. Really curious.
Thanks for taking the time. I really appreciate it!
I think if Norma did it, it would make it cool. She is a trend setter, not a follower! So I wish she really would do it. Sometimes her hair looks a bit harsh on her.
DeleteI thought of using that spray, but wondered if it came off on your pillow, furniture, or if while you worked out would it drip down your face and neck? The root touch up I mentioned is a permanent dye.
I am a little older than you and I too got sick of touching up roots. But I also noticed that dyed hair on most women really looked dyed. It doesn't make them look younger. Usually it's too dark.
My natural color has darkened over the years and I find my true color with grey much more interesting than the dyed brown with tinge of orangey that it always turns. Like you say, it grey/silver hair almost sparkles. Think of the grey as blonde highlights!
I noticed that people look old when they are sloppy, messy and not put together. Or if they keep trying to look they did when they were 20. It's best when they try to look good for the age they are now.
I also worry about the dye soaking into my head and what damage that will cause down the road. It can't be good for you. We worry so much about what we eat then soak our hair with dye!
My mother used to dye her hair black and it didn't look great and she looked good when she stopped doing it. She went natural in her 40's. My Sister has also gone grey and looks older than she should. It's not because of her hair color, but because she doesn't take care of herself (doesn't exercise, eats bad food, etc).
If I asked my husband he would go for the dye. He has helped me touch up my hair at home. But oddly, he hasn't really noticed. I have been wearing my hair up in a pony tail during the Summer, so that might hide the roots a bit. But I haven't asked anyone's opinion on this topic because I am just going to do it!
I love love love your attitude of just going for it. And yes, if Norma did it that would be a game changer. I noticed that in 2016 Demi Moore started and it looked okay, but she's gone back to coloring.
DeleteSo the spray - yes it comes off on everything. Especially your hands if you touch your hair, it's definitely an even thing. Not something you'd want to do daily. But I did just work out with it in my hair and it didn't run into my face or eyes. It stays put if you don't touch it.
Yes, same thing, the L-Oreal stuff I have used in the past is permanent color. But I have also used their temp spray for those in between color times.
You're 100% right when you say if someone is unkempt they look older. I think of someone like Diane Keaton who always has her own style and looks super sharp - her hair is amazing on her. Whereas Rossanne Barr maybe not so much lol.
I also agree about being health conscious with food and exercise and then we add these chemicals to our heads and I know hair color is most definitely tested on animals which is something that kills me, so it's another great reason to stop.
Let's keep in touch, I'd love to hear how you progress along this path.
And thanks again for sharing your thoughts, they really help!
I recently read that Norma Kamali was thinking of going grey and having the tips of her bangs done in black. She thought that would look cool. But she didn't think she was ready for it.
ReplyDeleteI have another option for you. Get some Clairol Root touch-up in your current color, or a shade lighter. Use the brush to paint in dark streaks in your grey hair. Use to help grow out the grey or continue to do on the new growth for a salt and pepper look. It's the best dye. It only takes 15 minutes.
ReplyDeleteDear Shan, Thank you for speaking up! As the girl that you mentioned in your post, I have come to the conclusion that the best color is the one that grows naturally on my head. I have had my fair share of experimenting with hair color - years of highlighting, different shades of red and black... At some point I thought I should follow the trend and go lighter as the weather gets warmer and darker when the autumn arrives... I've experienced bad reaction to hair dye at an expensive salon - my hair was falling for months after that (have you thought that the vertigo that you have experienced may be related to the chemicals in the hair dye?) On another visit to the beauty salon, when the stylist did not get the color of my highlights right (they were too orange) and had to redo them, I felt unease rising up in my stomach. I looked at myself in the mirror, aluminum foil pieces sticking out of my hair, and decided then and there that I will transition out of coloring my hair. I asked myself where do the chemicals from the hair dye go after they get washed dawn the drain? In the water supply. There are so many things that contribute to the pollution of the elements on Earth and I have committed to not participate in this one. I do not have much gray hairs yet but the ones I have I keep proudly. Henna would be the only hair coloring that I would use if at some point in the future I decide to experiment with colors - it is nourishing for the hair follicles and the scalp and it is natural.
ReplyDeleteI think that we need powerful women that step up and lead the way in changing the status quo. There are multi billion dollar industries that thrive on women's insecurities. It is about time we embrace the natural process of becoming ourselves more and more instead of following the rules and outlines of people and corporations that do not have our best interest in mind.
Much love to you!
Hello Sonya,
DeleteYour post was incredibly inspiring to me so thank you for sharing that. It was sort of an aha moment or wake up call when you wrote about women's aging process being about hiding their age. It's crazy. We'd never tell a guy to pretend to be younger - although I guess a few of them do buy sports cars in that mid-life crisis stage some go through.
That's a very good point - "where do the chemicals go when they are washed down the drain" I didn't even think about that! I mean, yeah they absolutely end up in our water supply and that can't be good for the planet or any of us.
I have spoken with one of my stylists about henna and she actually said it's more damaging to the hair as it goes onto the outside of the hair like paint on a window. So you can't cover it up or change it. If you don't like the result you more or less have to grow it out. I didn't love the sound of it. But I'll for sure check out hairprint.
Thanks again for being a part of the conversation. We need to be talking more about it - about equality, authenticity, and loving who we are at all ages.
xo
I just thought of something else worth mentioning - I have a friend who uses natural "color restoration". Look up Hairprint. It may be worth a try.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.myhairprint.com/products/true-color-restorer-for-women
Hi Shan! I can tell you're back and forth with this on a daily basis, but if it's something you're thinking about this much, then it must mean you really want to give the grey a chance. I understand about your circle expecting young, fresh people, but they all know you and already see you're all that and more!
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't have many greys at all so can't say what I'd do, but what I have done recently is get half a head of highlights to take me from mid-dark brown back to a light brown/blonde mix, which the overall effect is just like my natural colour. I'm so much happier with it like this, I feel I've dyed my hair for years to try to please others or to try to avoid having 'mousey' hair, when really all along, I was kidding myself that it was somehow better on me. Go with what you want, sod what age you are or what others think, just be you, be that cool weirdo with the in-between hair, you watch, it'll be next year's craze anyway, and you'l be light years ahead.
Hope you're feeling better in general and are still able to workout a little! x
Awe thanks Janice, wise words. I got the weirdo part down pat, just need to work on my cool game. lol.
DeleteI'm glad you've chosen to go more natural with your hair and that it makes you feel good. I bet it looks smashing. Although I do love your dark hair too. You're lucky you can wear various colors.
xoxo
Shan, you’re beautiful either way! If you want to go for it, go for it! If you decide to keep dying it that’s your business!
DeleteI’m probably wrong, (lord knows I usually am) but I get the impression you might be thinking your readers will be like “oh, hypocrite, she went back to coloring her hair!” For example I made that comment on your blog about a certain method and guess what? I resubscribed. My heart said no, but a week before my period mind said yes. I regretted it from the moment I hit subscribe.
Why? Because that’s not me and I can’t live my life obsessing over things anymore. I was feeling old and bloated and bam! I was back at it and hating it.
I think learning how to say “ F*ck it,” is harder than it looks. Especially in our society with looks and weight and aging. God forbid you look your age and aren’t trying to look like a 20 yr old.
You may go back and forth and back and forth but so what? Do what’s right for you! You need to feel good about your choices and yourself.
I can picture you rocking one of those deconstructed long bobs with your gray self! Or not!
Virtually Love you no matter what!
Oh Gia,
DeleteI think you knew just what I needed to hear. It's not that I think anyone would think I was a hypocrite, it's just the indecision and all the back and forth. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You nailed it when you said you went back to a certain exercise.
And learning how to say F*ck it is so much harder than it looks.
Honestly I don't want to look like I'm 20. I don't want to be the "mutton dressed up as a lamb" as the expression goes. I want to embrace my 40's wholeheartedly.
But there is a huge part of me - maybe even the bigger part that isn't ready for grey.
Maybe that is something for my 50's? Maybe when I'm finally the boss running the show? lol I don't know.
I haven't colored it yet, but am seriously considering calling my stylist.
Thanks for the love sister. It's appreciated.
xoxo
I love all talk about hair, and I think it's fun to experiment, so I'll jump in with my thoughts. I personally have no 'natural' gray hair at 37, but I color it super light blonde and then use a toner to get to silver. I love it. To me, it's fun. I hate the yellow, brassy blonde color, so to me the silver is cool and sleek.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, I think you should let it go gray! Just my opinion, but what you probably are not liking now is the gray roots against the dark hair. The transition time is the worst for any major hair decision. So I'll say this, too. I know you love your long hair, but I would cut it short, so the transition time is shorter. Then let the gray grow in and let your hair grow again. If you have to do your roots every two weeks, it sounds like your hair grows fast. It will take time, and a solid commitment, but that's probably the quickest way to get to the goal.
And thennnnn, I don't know if you'd be interested in this, but the most fun part is getting to color it fun colors! You could add a streak of purple, pink, blue, whatever you want! There are so many options now, and some are super temporary, lasting only a few washes. It is SO much fun to do that. And you definitely have the fun, cool, funky style to do it. You're definitely not too old either, if you're thinking that.
Did you ever see that commercial for Walgreens, where these two older ladies get streaks of purple in their silver hair and head off to their high school reunion? I loved it, there were so cute and the purple looked cool! Here's a screenshot from the commercial: https://humoringthegoddess.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/k8lu.jpg
So that's my two (or 15) cents. Keep us posted though on your choices and hair evolution! <3
Hey Heidi -
DeleteYou're right - it's the roots against my dark hair. When I pull my hair back and it's all grey tho, it doesn't even look like me! I get that change is hard, but because my hair has always been so ridiculously dark, I could never experiment with color. I did envy other girls who could go red, blond, dark, and back again.
But it's never been me. And now that I am faced with light hair, it's freaking me out.
I think, as I mentioned above to Gia, I just may not be ready yet. Yikes.
But I am not ready to throw in the towel yet either.
I think the best decision to make when you don't know what to do, is do nothing at all.
I love your hair. I especially love when you went pink. My current stylist has pink hair and my Vancouver stylist is rocking a bright blue at the moment. My mom - whose hair is now pure white does what you talked about in the walgreens commercial - she puts a purple streak in the front and it looks really cool.
When I was younger I did shave my head and rock all kinds of punk-style short cuts - but it was a phase. I am a long hair girl through and through. The shortest I could go now is to my shoulders so I can still wear a pony for working out. But not ready to do that yet either.
Anyway - love. Thank you so much for listening and giving me your opinion.
xoxo