This life ain't easy...

It's been a while since I've written because I've just not been moved to show up and do it. I've been a bit of a drop out lately. But before I get to that, I must tell you of the miracle that occurred at my house this morning. A genuine bonafide miracle I tell you.

Not a morning person me. Also so not a cardio person. You may or may not have heard of Live Streaming with Tracy Anderson. Most of you here have because we're all TAMMERS (Tracy Anderson Method Users) but in the event that you haven't - essentially Tracy does a master class in her studio each week and it's filmed every Wednesday and made available to those of us who are just mad enough to want to take our fitness challenge to the next level. So we're able to have the same experience of doing a class with Tracy in real time, same as her studio clients - only we get to do it from the comfort of our own homes for a whole lot less money. In any case - each Wednesday the workout that you did the previous week will disappear and you're given a brand new class to do for a week. But I absolutely fell in love with last week's class. I cannot explain how or why this happened, but the first 20 minutes of this class has the best music ever and it's super dancey - almost like a beginner hip-hop modern dance combo - with added weight for the second half of that 20 minutes.

Sound crazy? It kind of is. But knowing it would be gone today. I (me the girl who hates to dance almost more than getting up in the morning) set my alarm, got up early and got my dance on! Holla! Yes I did. He Who Shall Not Be Named was like: "What the hell is happening? Are you dancing? Is it morning? Who are you?"

So yes, it's official - Tracy Anderson has performed a miracle! You read it here first people!

Part of the reason I'm so attached might actually be the music - this song most especially.

Something about this song makes me want to lose myself in the music and in the dance that Tracy has put together for her week 5 class. But it's more than that. It's this promise that we (the girl in the song and whomever she is singing to - in this case, me) don't have to be ordinary. We could be Heroes.

Why does that resonate? Because life has been really hard lately, for so fucking many people that I love, people that I care for, family, friends and co-workers.

Here is the abridged version of events as they've swirled around me, each touching my life in a whole host of ways. Three people that I care about, one being my Aunt, another a dear colleague and the third, an online friend -- each got a cancer diagnosis. It hurts to see those lovely women have to suffer while all you can do is stand by and pray, hold out a hand, offer a hug or kind word.

A couple very close to me whom I love with all of my heart are really going through a rough time. Not being in their marriage I cannot speak to what has happened, or why, or what the eventual out come will be - but I can say this. As  person who loves them, it would be a whole hell of a lot easier if I could just pick a side and make the other one the bad guy. But I cannot. I can absolutely see this sad situation from each of their points of view. I can offer a shoulder, an ear, some words of comfort and support but I cannot help them through this or out of it - it's like winter -- the only way out of it and into spring is through it, they must endure. It's hard on them, on me, but even harder on their children who want so desperately for the world to be black and white and it simply is not.

If that's not enough, the book store that I work at part time is closing its doors. The announcement was made this week. This isn't bad news for me - I am a writer - this was a part time gig for me. But I cannot help but think of my managers, one most especially because his wife is expecting a baby in a month. What will he do? Where will he go? There are a couple of older employees who have been there for decades. What about them? This is how they support themselves and soon that place they felt at home in will no longer be.

Sad. Sad. Sad. But there is a takeaway from all of this.

At any moment in this life we can lose our health, the love of our lives, or our livelihood. This world, it's temporary. It just makes my mantra - my virtue of the this month so much more potent. Seize the day. Live in the now. Reach for happy feeling thoughts. Do things that make you feel good with people that you love. Support and care for one another. Take the time to listen, to communicate with everything and everyone around you because none of us knows how long we got or how much time we have with each other. Think about it.

So yeah, that's why I've been MIA. I've had a heavy heart. Part of what's been keeping me going is what some may think of as a silly exercise program - but it's so much more than that. It's a life line to health, to a community of really caring women who are dedicated to being there for their families and each other, it's a commitment to my own good health and on the days where the world just feels like it's all too much and I want to break down and weep... Tracy Anderson bounces onto the screen, she smiles and she works me out. She teaches me new moves and shows me my power. For that one hour a day that I take for myself - I feel worthy of self-love and self-care so that I can be there and offer that love and care to the people around me.

Life is fragile - please take care of yours.
xox
Shan

You're like a snow flake.

Remember when you were a kid and just one hour could seem like an eternity? Waiting for Christmas to arrive, or grandma to come over. Now, doesn't it just seem like we had a new year a couple of months ago? I don't know about you, but 2014 flew by for me.

Did I accomplish everything I'd set out to do? Hardly. How'd you do? I like to try to commit to self-improvement on a daily basis, hence my monthly virtues. It helps keep me accountable and hopefully somewhat self-aware. But hours and days can slip by somehow without notice and that's no good. If we're not here to witness our own lives, how can we expect to stand witness for anyone else?

There is this amazing Health Coach/ Yoga goddess named Caley Alyssa, I found her on Instagram recently, (golly, ain't Instagram great?) and apart from the most breath-taking poses ever, she adds little comments that I find so inspiring and helpful. I want to share a couple of those with you here today because they have a theme, but I'll get to that.

At the start of each new year, many of us vow to "change", like we're some hideously dysfunctional excuses for human beings. What is it about the new year that can turn us into such hateful meanies to ourselves? Not all of us of course, some people are just fine with who they are. (I envy them.) 

Why can it sometimes feel like such a challenge to simply love and accept ourselves as we are? Well I guess because there is always room for growth. But it can be really hard to make those resolutions stick. Why so many vow, to "get fit" on January 1st, they diet and exercise like a mad demon for two weeks before returning to being that sad sorry sloth eating cheese doodles in front of the television. (Ha ha, I love using the expression Cheese-doodles. I use it a lot, I've never had a cheese doodle in my life. I don't even know what it is. I think I heard about it on a cartoon once. Anyway....) That resolution to change your behavioral patterns doesn't have a hope in hell of sticking if you don't make some adjustments in your thinking. 

We've got to first commit to making some changes on the inside. It's one of the reasons I started Mastering My Midlife - I want to make my insides match my outsides.

Often - believe it or not - the easy part is the working out and getting in shape, but we're still fat, ugly, stupid, unpopular, terrified, weak, lazy, or whatever else horrible things we tell ourselves that we are, on the inside. If any of that rings true for you, I'm suggesting we change all that this year.

I'm proposing that you make this year "The Year of the (Insert YOUR name here)" - So for me it would look like this -- 

2015 - The Year of the Shannon. And commit to it.

Not just on the outside - actually especially not on the outside. Turn your eye within, listen to the soundtrack that plays in your head, love yourself a little more. 

Right, Caley Alyssa --

So the first thing she wrote that grabbed my attention was a quote from Sarah Varcas:

There is no destination, only a process of change. The question is one of the direction and depth of that change and whether it orients us to awakening or a deeper slumber.

The She went on in another post to write:

Change doesn't just happen. And you won't really change if it's for anyone else but yourself. Change happens when you decide you want it for you. When you decide to work your ass off and break down all the old stories you've convinced yourself are true, but are really a massive crutch that you've used as an excuse for way too long. Hard work pays off. Are you ready to work? Are you ready for a change?

I think she's sort of saying what I'm feeling right now, that you cannot really ever change the outside if you're not willing to look at the inside.

I'm okay with time flying by. As we grow older it just happens somehow, but I'm not okay with standing still. I want my life to mean something. To me. 

Of course I want to leave a mark, it's why I write. My words, my ramblings, my film(s) will be the mark I make I guess, but I want my happiness to permeate those words and this all too short life.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this to you tonight. Maybe it's because I'm all caught up in this January TA Real Time challenge thing and I needed a gentle reminder to take the time to nurture all aspects of my being. I hope you will too. You're amazing. Don't judge yourself harshly or measure yourself by someone else's standards. Like a beautiful snowflake, there is no one else on this earth like you. No one can speak with your voice or do exactly what you do. 

Find that voice, raise it up, and sing your praises for a change - would you?

Loads of love,
Shan




 

365 NEW Blank Pages!

Happy New Year my beauties!

I got a message from a lovely dear friend this morning and in it she said: "365 New Blank Pages." I love that. Thanks for the inspiration Amanda! Something else that I read recently that I've been sharing with some of my beloveds was this doozy: "The new year means nothin' if you're still in love with your comfort zone."

So... we've got 365 brand spanking new days to play with, days of clay to get our fingers into and really mold and sculpt. What are we going to make? It's a nice round year 2015, don't you think? I like fives and tens for some weird reason, so I want to make this year count. Yeah yeah, I have the same goals as always, career stuff and health of course, I am always seeming to need to lose five or ten pounds. Hmmm, there's that five and ten again.

But this year I'd like to get out of that comfort zone a little. Ask for more of what I want. Be a little more confident. And to feel good. I want to reach for relief whenever I feel icky or slightly unsettled. I want to choose love over fear, not always the easiest choice is it? I want to try new things and maybe do one or two things that scare me a little.

I've started taking these online fitness classes with Tracy Anderson and that scared me. Once I finally enrolled, I thought okay, steady on, Shan, you got this. It sorta went like this:

1:05, Hey we're dancing. This is fun.
3:07, Still dancing, but I'm gonna be okay... I think.
6:58, My god! She's adding weights.
9:02, Fuck! I'm gonna die.

It was scary because it was more intense than anything I'd done before. Rug burn? Check. Bruised elbows and knees? Check. Aching wrists? Check. Wounded ego? NO WAY. I have never felt stronger or more empowered, slightly less coordinated than ever perhaps, but confident in the strength and ability of my own body.

At my age, I sometimes look around and just think, damn I'm old. And frankly ladies, getting old kinda sucks. I've even caught myself groaning as I climb to me feet on occasion. It happens. We all age, but we can remain strong. Not just in body either. I think the majority of strength comes from our minds and hearts. Which is why it's also very important for us to focus on feeling good this year. Starting today.

Find something, anything that makes you smile. A bird outside your window. The freshly fallen snow. The scent of your favorite fragrance or freshly baked bread. Something small, it can be anything that makes you feel good when you think about it. Something that's "wobble free" as Abraham puts it. Let your thoughts go there as often as you can.

Resolutions? I guess those are mine. Get out of my square, choose to feel good, or reach for feeling better if I'm feeling bad, and ask for more of what I want. So of course all of this is translated into my virtue for the month of January. Again, not a typical "patience or kindness" kind of virtue, but rather something that will help me grow and evolve in the direction I want to find myself. So for January?

SEIZE THE DAY! We only get this one day, the here and now. C'mon everybody, let's have fun this year. Let's feel good, do good and be good.

All my very best to you and yours, for health, happiness, love, and a shower of blessings that are beyond your fondest imaginings!

xo
Shan