Is that a dumb name to call the readers of Mastering My Midlife? Masterina's. I dunno, it seems fitting for right now, let's just go with it shall we?
And going with it is exactly what I want to talk to you about this month. It's November 1st, which means, new month - new mood, new attitude. Autumn is in full swing and I'm feeling like I need to publicly bring back my virtue of the month and for November, I've chosen...
DISPASSIONATE
It means to not be influenced by strong emotion, and so able to be rational and impartial. In other words, no matter what's going on, if you're dispassionate, it means you're able to go with the flow (in my brain anyway).
We mere months away from the end of 2018 and I for one cannot wait to get it over with. That's something I rarely do, wish away time like that, but this year has been hard yo. I feel like we have been asked to surrender to within in an inch of our lives and sanity. I don't know about you, but I've been stretched thin, worn out, feeling used and abused and like I'm the butt of some great cosmic joke and I have not gone gently into that good nite, no sirree. I have not wanted to surrender. Seems every single hill I have stood upon this year was the hill I was prepared to die on - meaning I was constantly picking one battle or the next.
And I'm tired.
Happy to report that I'm finally feeling more human since I was taken over by vertigo in April. I'm not dizzy anymore and my heart is rhythmic for the first time in what feels like four years and I'm being fed creatively. So on that front, all should be well with me right?
Not so much. I've gained a bunch of weight from not being able to exercise and trying to eat everything in site to build up my blood. That's first. Next, I've had a creative parting of the ways with a team of people that I greatly admired and I'm sad to see that our project together will not have legs. I've been over looked for jobs because there were no Indigenous storylines and at the same time I've been put forward for EVERYTHING with Indigenous storylines regardless of whether the shows are a good fit or not. I feel like I've been in a box this whole year. Or like I have been buried alive.
But now I'm here to say that I don't think that's the actual case. I think perhaps I was planted and now I am starting to grow. We all have. If you feel like this year has been super hard and ass-kicky too, that things have felt all dark and gloomy and you just wanted to pump your fist and rage against the injustices of the world, you're not alone. I feel like the universe has been culling things from our lives to make room for better stuff, nicer people, greater more fulfilling lives. It's been taking things away from us knowing that those things would NOT ultimately serve us or our hopes and dreams.
And while at times it has felt as though we've been trying to crest the wave of a tsunami only to wind up pummelled into a rocky shore, left to pick through the wreckage of 2018, that wave has cleared a bunch of shit away and we can now - dare I say it - start to rebuild.
Rebuild a body with health and vitality. Rebuild a career with people who empower us. Rebuild relationships with love and compassion. And be strong enough to face a world that sometimes feels cruel and ugly and violent and stupid and wrong and evil and dark. We can now stand, stripped down to the bare bone, in our truth and be our best light-generating, way-leading selves.
AND another thing... We can also see through the garbage that used to trip us up. We have stronger bullshit meters. We're less likely to be doormats. And we do not have to take the emotional rollercoaster ride for anything. Things can go wrong and we'll survive, really awesome stuff can happen and we don't have to get so caught up in the success that we forget what's important. We can be more like the ancient Stoics. We can be what? What can we be now that we've been through this baptism of fire that's been 2018?
That's right... DISPASSIONATE. We can be cool, even keel and rosy.
This will also allow us to see ourselves in a brand new way, perhaps give us the insight to see ourselves the way others see us. Or love ourselves exactly as we are, flaws and all.
Allow me to give you a tangible example of what I mean and this was a real eye-opener.
One year ago - November 2017 I decided that over the holiday I was going to grow out my grey hair to see what was beneath all that color. I gathered some images of silver sisters for inspiration, went away to a cottage and had at it.
Once the holidays were over, I got back to the city, had to go back to the writer's room and I hated my hair. It was ugly, old, uncool, etc. etc.
Cut to three months later being laid out on the bathroom floor with vertigo waiting for the color to process in my hair, hoping I'd be able to rinse it out before I barfed. What was THAT madness? I made the decision to try again. Once my next writing gig was up - I was going to take the summer and (sing it) Let it grow, let it grow...
Now, as many of you already know it has not been an easy journey. I have gone back and forth and back and forth. Wanting to color it, thinking it's fine, hating it to bits and back again.
Yesterday I was looking through some old photos and kept seeing all these pictures of myself with dark hair and I immediately wanted to call my stylist to make this grey nightmare end. But then it occurred to me - maybe I could look at some of those early photos that made me want to embark on this journey in the first place. I mean if I could be swayed to want to go back to dyed hair by a mere image, perhaps said image could persuade me to stay the course. So I started looking and a crazy thing happened... I saw myself... and my hair in a whole new light because it was looking very similar to an image of someone's hair that I LOVED. We didn't look so different.
I'd had one or two friends say they liked how my grey was coming in. He Who Shall Not Be Named said he liked it too. Yet somehow I could not see what they saw until I revisited that photo. Now I'd like to ask you to look...
This is a pretty darned dynamic example of how sometimes the story in our heads blurs out the reality of what is right in front of us. We get so attached to the drama, the heartache, the stress, the idea that we've been clinging to that we can't see that the storm has passed, that we survived, we triumphed, we're beautiful, we made it etc.
If this year has taught me anything, it's taught me to not believe everything I think (words to live by, am considering having them tattooed onto my forehead), it's taught me to let go and let God, and for heaven's sake the biggest lesson of all is THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Don't get so worked up over it.
So, together, this November - let's be dispassionate. And, November 1st is world vegan day - so why not try going vegan for the month. It won't kill you, in fact it will save the lives of several animals and you don't have to do it alone.
Go to Veganuary and take the pledge. They'll help you out and you don't have to wait until January. Plus going vegan gives you great skin - in case you needed a little extra motivation.
Loads of love,
Shan
