April's Virtue

Hey there. I had to pop in here tonight to share my virtue pick for the month of April. Yes I do realize that we are already a third into the month, but better late than never right?

When I turned the calendar over, there was a photo of a still crystal drop of water on a newly opened spring leaf as the photo for the month and it rang out peace, serenity, tranquility, bliss. So without a thought I penned in Peace as the virtue. However, sometimes the month itself has a way of dictating what I need to practice and as it turns out I needed a bit of Faith. I mean who am I kidding, I can always use more peace, but faith struck a truer chord with me so I am trusting my instincts on it.

As some of you may know, last September my genius and guru-like friend Jackie called me out on my self-deprecating ways, how I always seemed to apologize for my very presence in a room as if I were taking up too much space and how I really didn't appear to believe in myself. I write 'seemed' because it is past tense for me. Not entirely, not all the way, I am not filled to the brim with confidence and courage... yet. But since her suggestion of starting a Believe Jar (if you don't know what that is and are keen to find out, go HERE.) my self worth has shot way up. I can honestly look myself in the mirror and say: You're alright Masters. 

I'm not all the way there yet, perhaps we're never all the way there. Maybe that's the point of life, that in order to evolve and grow, we have to continue to reach deeper within and stretch farther than yesterday. Don't ask me, I'm just a blogger trying to navigate my way through my midlife here okay?

But it was during a recent meeting when I heard some pretty impressive stuff being said -- about me! -- that I became acutely aware that while I may now feel like I am okay, perhaps even enough, I still lack a greater sense of faith and confidence in my own gifts and talents. That's a hard one to confess here in public for anyone in the world to read, but it's true.

The meeting was about a current project of mine that has been an eternity in development, plagued with all matter of setbacks, yet still manages to live and breathe... the producers who optioned the piece were on a conference call with me and our potential new director. I had the worst migraine headache so for the most part I simply lay back and listen and what I heard was astounding. They spoke of me in the most generous of terms paying my work, experience, and abilities a multitude of compliments. It was as if I were not on the line listening. I was instead a fly on the wall overhearing a private conversation and I was blown away. They made me cry. 

I wondered how it was that I had never ever once seen myself in the way they had described me? How was it possible that people whom I respect and admire, who have been in the industry since I was in junior high could say such incredible things... about me? I started to pay closer attention to my self dialogue and I realized that all this time I'd been seeing myself as a novice, having nascent talent that still had miles to go, as an apprentice, as an opening act at best but never the headliner? And worse, how had I not realized that I'd been running this dialogue for the better part of a dozen years. People say I'm an award winning screenwriter and I respond with well sure but...

They tell me that they loved my film and I ask them if they're drunk. Whoa. Some shit's not lining up here. How the heck do we expect to get ahead in this world if deep inside we don't really believe we're worthy? Ask me if I'm capable I'll say hell yeah. Am I diligent? Yep. Dedicated? Of course. But talented? Gifted? Experienced? Deserving? I shrink. I get scared. I feel small. Well that's just no good.

I need to believe in myself all the way, not just that I'm a kind and good person, a loyal friend, someone who is punctual. I am very punctual btw! (maybe just not where getting the monthly virtue out on time is concerned) I need to believe that I am really good at what I do. Is there a learning curve where certain jobs are concerned? You bet your ass there is. But am I willing to apply myself and learn? Damned straight I am. But I will do the work necessary.

So... FAITH it is. Faith in myself as a writer. Faith in my gifts and talents. Faith that all will be well. Faith that great things are on the way for me. Faith that yes, the universe is indeed running on time. And faith that things always have a way of working out. Just like beneath the snow the world seems lifeless, but each winter we have faith that spring will eventually arrive.

So here we go...

The next adventure. Take a look at your own life. Are you doing exactly what you want to be doing? Have you allowed yourself to really dream and imagine what your life could be? Are you standing in your own way? Do you believe that you're unique and the world needs what you've got? If the answer isn't a resounding YES! then perhaps it's time you shone a light into those dark corners and began to cultivate a little faith of your own in that spirit garden you got growing over there. The snow is about to clear people, lets grow more than weeds this year.

xoxo
Shan