Who the fuck is that little voice in my head?

You know the one I'm talking about right? The hyper-critical one, the one that seems always to be judging or trying to make you feel guilty about some thing or other? No? Am I the only one with a little voice?

I sort of picture my inner critic as a Larry David lookalike who sits at his desk drinking horrible coffee, chain smoking Marlborough Reds, peering down on me from above just itching for ways to squash me like a bug. He tells me I'm not doing enough, or I'm not doing it right, or this person or that person or pretty much every other person on the planet is doing it better than me (whatever my 'it' is at the time) so why the hell even bother? And just when I think I am going to get the better of him, that I have found a way to silence his miserable ass he rears his scraggly balding grey head to tell me how stupid I am or worse... he shows up in someone I really like and makes her say mean things about herself.

Crap, that reminds me... No being a hateful meanie to myself. It's a Shamanment and I was going to rewrite those babies and bring them over here from Mastering The Method and I'd forgotten. Dammit. 

They were predominantly related to diet and exercise so I wanted to amend them to reflect my new priorities - things like perhaps being more organized so that they would have been done and posted up here already. Ooop, that sounded just like my Critic, didn't it?

So what brings all this up? I'm glad you asked.

Too much to encompass within the small scope of a single blog post, suffice it to say I have been feeling "less than" a lot lately. Not smart enough, not good enough, not quick enough, not strong enough, not worthy enough (that's been a biggie for me) not fit enough, not thin enough, young enough, pretty enough, talented enough, dedicated enough and on and on it goes. 

Well! Nay Nay I say! Screw not enough.

I. Am. Enough.

(Brene Brown wrote that, don't you just love her?)

The fact that I am. That I exist. That I've made it this far and I'm not completely crazy should prove that I am enough. Okay readers of this blog might argue the crazy part but I'm so okay with that.

I've been reading a fantastic book called The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney and in it, I discovered the most amazing quote...

"Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs." H. Stein

Does that right there not sound like exactly the right recipe for happiness? Sure does, but I've never been one to follow the recipe.

The quest for perfection, the drive to so called "have it all" just gives the Critic fuel. None of us are perfect. What even is perfect? Isn't perfection kind of subjective? I think it is. Still, having big dreams makes it hard not to expect great things from yourself. And small needs? What the hell does that even mean? I'm needy and I know it, clap my hands. Sing it with me, needy and I know it clap my hands! I'm high maintenance. I'm a half-caff, shit on the side kind of girl and I am not sorry. But I digress. Of course I do, it's how I roll. It really got me thinking and wondering once again - What do I really want, and what exactly do I need? So far? I got nothin'! I don't have the answers.

In Olsen Laney's book she says:"We are hardwired never to be completely balanced or satisfied, and this keeps us physiologically limber and desiring change." Well that's a relief!

Or is it? If we're never satisfied how can we ever find happiness? How will we ever silence the voice in our heads?

The only thing that I can think of that even remotely has a chance of shutting the Critic up is to stop looking externally. Stop seeking answers to everything outside of ourselves. Don't compare, don't compete. Hard to do. But when we turn our attention within, when we allow ourselves time to sit with ourselves, when we ignore the Critic and listen quietly and intently for our True Self to speak up, something powerful happens. The voice in our head becomes very gentle, compassionate, loving and kind. That same voice we call upon to nurture a friend in need is the voice that comes from within us and is directed toward us and that my friends is like salve for the soul.

The bottom line is that we have more than one voice in our heads. And in the noisy chaotic external world in which we dwell most of the time, it's the loud crotchety Critic we may hear first. Our job is to seek the silence which holds all of the noise, touch that steady centre and then we're able to hear the other voice. 

Let's also not forget our Mother's voices, they're in there too!

Today, why not take a moment and turn an ear toward the softer, sweeter voice in your head knowing she's the one who speaks the truth when she whispers: "You are enough." Happy autumn my lovelies.

Warmly,
Shan


 

Autumn

Hey there!

Can you believe that the long weekend is over and with it our summer? Actually it's still quite hot here so I'm not feeling as Autumny as I normally do this time of year. Still I love that feeling of Back to School, even though I am hell and gone from being school-aged. 

It's the clean slate. The fresh start. The black shiny chalkboard. Crisp new notebooks. Fresh fall air and the smell of burning leaves. Ahhhhh. Boots, hats, cute jackets. Best time of the year.

As usual I'm late to the party but since we're still in the early days of September I thought it not too late to share my monthly virtue. I have two actually. 

Simplicity and Health.

The first I chose because life has felt incredibly complicated of late. I was fortunate enough to get a contract for a show, so been busy writing that. Still adjusting to our move across the country and of course a new part-time job to pay off the road trip. The sad thing is that the part-time job has been more full time in recent weeks so am struggling to maintain the balance. In addition to all of this, my sister and her family have been going through... to say struggle doesn't even begin to touch the pain. Let's just say that everything they knew, everything they had, it's changed. Their life and by association my life has gone through a proverbial tornado and come out the other side completely upside down and unrecognizable. As as each day passes it seems to get more complicated. So Simplicity.

Secondly, as you well know, stress can adversely affect our health. My beautiful and very talented friend Sophie has had some serious issues with her foot that have been affecting her everyday routines and generally disrupting her life. I threw my neck out - again. Why oh why did I do that rolling plow from last week's Live Stream?? I can't blame the class alone. I knew doing the move would be a bad idea, add to that the ton of stress on my shoulders and BAM! I was immobilized for the better part of four days. I am only now beginning to feel human again. So my other BFF, sister from another mister Natalia thought it might be a good idea for the three of us to focus on healing and I could not agree more.

So as we turn the calendar toward Autumn and our days begin to shorten, it felt like a really good time to call upon the powers that heal and our ability to actively simplify where we can.

Clean slate. New start. Two of my favorite things. It's like seeing a road stretched out before you. Not really sure of where it's going to take you, but feeling the crackling good energy in the knowledge that you are firmly behind the wheel and can steer your life in any direction you choose.

With much love in my heart,
Shan
xo